‘Twilight’ is a comedy and you can’t change my mind
I have watched 2008’s “Twilight” two times in my life. Once around 2011 when I was repeatedly asked to do so by fans of the books and movies. I read the first book, released by auther Stephanie Myers in 2005, and barely managed to finish the thing. I followed it up by watching the first movie in the five-film franchise.
And just like in 2011, in 2021 I have absolutely no intentions to watch the rest of the movies. If I do it’ll be more to hate-watch them than anything.
The fact that the Twilight saga became such a huge part of pop culture for so long is mind blowing. I know from speaking to a couple of big fans of the books/movies in present day that even they are horrified by the films. Others still enjoy it and I won’t fault them. I’m sure there is a nostalgia factor there.
I’ll offer a brief synopsis of the movie.
Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) moves to Forks, Oregon to live with her dad, Charlie (Billie Burke), after deciding to allow her mom to travel with her new husband who is on a minor league baseball team. Within a month she manages to fall in love a vampire, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) and is almost killed by another, more dangerous vampire.
That’s it, that’s pretty much the premise when you remove unnecessary dialogue. Seriously, the movie is mostly just talking with a small bit of action near the end.
And some of the dialogue is absolutely laughable. You’ve got Bella’s absolutely, over-the-top angsty narraration and then unnecessary lines like “Hang on tight spidermonkey” from Edward. I genuinely laughed so many times this movie. It felt throughout more like a comedy to me. It’s the type of movie that is just so terrible you can’t help but laugh.
My sister and I absolutely lost it the first time Edward used his “super speed” to run up a mountain. They really should have just blurred him out. It just looked like they had Pattinson run on a treadmill and then sped up the recording.
Then you’ve got the frustrating romanticization of a century old guy pretty much just preying on a minor. I feel like the vampire genre as a whole should really stop having signifcantly older vampires date teenagers… it’s just uncomfortable to watch. And that goes for any movie or TV show that follows that trope.
Peopleused to rip into Stewart for her portrayal of Bella. But, having read the book once, she’s actually pretty spot on. Bella honest to God does not express herself, like, at all. She’s just so bland, a self centered teenage girl with this idea that she’s “different” and “misunderstood.” Every teenage girl feels that way at one point or another Bella, you are not special. Stewart played Bella’s character right in my opinion.
And I’m pretty sure Pattinson may have regretted his decision to star in the film. So his looks of discomfort throughout his were probably just his genuine reaction to the mess he was involved with.
“Twilight” took the concept of vampires — a cool, dark and terrifying fictional idea — and watered them down until they were completely uninteresting. The entire Cullen family actually isn’t the complete worst, really just Edward. And Jasper is absolutely unsettling. The actor’s eyes had to hurt so bad from all of his wide eyed, unblinking stares.
The “dad” Carlisle (Peter Facinelli) and his wife Esme (Elizabeth Reaser) seem like okay people. They’re just a vampire couple who saved a few dying teenagers and apparently decided to adopt them. Not the worst concept. It could make for a good dark comedy or weird sitcom.
Honestly, the basic concept of Twilight could have been interesting. But every turn seemed to just make it worse.
One redeeming part of this film is its music. I assume they were able to get decent songs in the movie, and throughout the series, because it was such a popular franchise. It’s cinematography wasn’t terrible either. Although the “vampire” reveal scene relied too heavily on a lot of spinning and angled shots and the entire film being in a blue color grading was off putting to say the least.
Like I said, it was so bad it was funny. It’ll probably take me another 10 years to watch it again, but I doubt it’ll get any better by the year 2031. Maybe I’ll let you all know then.
“Twilight” is rated PG-13 and is two hours long (absolutely unecessary) and can be found on Netflix. So, if you’re in the mood to cringe and laugh at what was once considered peak cinema, then look no further. But be warned, former fans of the film may feel even more embarassed during a rewatch.
