Thoughts I Had While Rewatching The Twilight Saga: New Moon

I know, I know, we just systematically went through every large and small plot point of the original Twilight movie; but—glutton for punishment that I am—I just can’t quit Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as a besotted schoolgirl and sparkly vampire , respectively. Let’s see what these crazy kids (plus Taylor Lautner as Jacob) get up to in the second installment of the Twilight franchise, shall we?

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Oh, wow, that is a very big moon filling the screen. Seems appropriate.
Bella’s hair has grown since the last movie, but Edward is as glittery as ever. They’re in a field with…Bella’s grandmother? Oh, wait, it’s actually future Bella.
Why does Bella’s dad always look so familiar to me? I could IMDb him, but I won’t.
Bella’s at school, promising to do her friend’s homework (weak) if he and the rest of her friends pose for pictures to make her mom think she has a full, well-rounded life and is not always off cavorting with vampires .
Whoever decided to make Edward almost always approach Bella in slow-mo is a genius.
It’s Bella’s birthday, and she’s all freaked out about aging. Honey, you’re 18 and you have an undead boyfriend; relax.
Oh hey, it’s Jacob! There’s obvious tension between him and Edward, and Bella makes fun of how jacked he is, which is rude.
Jacob gives Bella a dreamcatcher for her birthday, which pisses Edward off. Cough, possessive loser, cough.
“Bella, you give me everything just by breathing,” says Edward, which…vom. Consider me Team Jacob.

It really never fails to make me laugh how much white pancake makeup is applied to the Cullens to differentiate them from the non-vampires. Unfortunately, they just look like me in eighth grade before I had figured out my correct shade of concealer.
Question: Why do the Cullens go to school? If I were an of-age vampire, I would simply vibe.
Weird-ass Shakespearean-adjacent flashback scene. Hmm.
It’s time for Bella’s birthday party! I forget, is Rosalie still being a bitch to her?
Yes, Rosalie is still being a bitch to her.
Ah, Bella cuts herself opening one of her gifts and all the vampires freak out, especially Jasper, because they <3 blood. Edward…throws Bella into a stack of plates?
Edward apologizes for trying to kill his girlfriend, to which she responds, “I don’t want normal. I want you.” Ugh. So glad a generation of teenage girls grew up internalizing this message.
OMG, Edward totally dumps Bella. He obviously doesn’t want to, but he and the Cullens are getting out of Forks, which…fair.
Bella runs off to the forest and gets lost, then found and saved by a ripped dude whose name I forget.
It’s Sam! Sam is the ripped dude.
This is the part of the book that Stephenie Meyer just legit left blank. Iconic.
Ugh. Breakups are the worst. I feel you, Bella. I mean, not on the “creepy older vampire” thing, but, you know, heartbreak in general.
Bella goes shopping with Jessica, a.k.a. my angel Anna Kendrick, but she doesn’t buy anything, because she’s famously not like the other girls.
Some creepy motorcycle guys try to hit on the girls, and Bella toys with danger, possibly in an attempt to get Edward to re-notice her. Unfortunately, this time, he doesn’t magically show up out of nowhere as she cruises on some dude’s bile.
God, Anna Kendrick’s line delivery in this movie is so good.
Bella brings Jacob and his long, gorgeous, flowing hair to his a couple of crappy old motorcycles to fix up. Romance is brewing!
Jacob’s friends show up to razz him for hanging out with a girl, but they’re clearly sweeties, and Bella is actually having fun with a non-vampire. We love to see it!
Unfortunately, Bella’s still having screaming nightmares. 🙁
Apparently, Sam is a big deal on the reservation and is attracting a lot of followers, which annoys Jacob. Methinks some more non-human stuff is afoot!
Bella is addicted to getting injured. She also tells Jacob “You’re sort of beautiful,” which…good line, queen.
Back at the high school, all the hot goss is about hikers being killed by a local bear. Hmm!
Bella goes to the movies with her friends, but everyone bails except Mike and Jacob, and things instantly get weird.
Mike has to barf at the violent movie, and Jacob owns him for it. Mean!
Bella is being Little Miss Mixed Signals with Jacob, who says he’s not going to give up, despite the fact that I personally think he should. It’s almost as though I’m not in this movie.
Jacob is “really hot”—not in that way, pervs—and begs off, saying he has a fever. Bella is told he has mono, but she’s not allowed to visit.
Oh, wow, began “ripped Jacob with haircut being pissed off in the rain” sequence. He doesn’t know what’s happening to him, but he’s still sanguine enough to make fun of the Cullens.